Good Morning North Carolina...

I can hear the rain falling outside my window as I find myself still away in the wee hours of a new day.  I spent the evening conversing with a dear friend I used to teach with in North Carolina.  I'm back "home" for the week and it's my first return visit since I left over 6 months ago.  While Carol and I talked and shared, Leon her husband fell asleep on the couch interrupting us occasionally with the sounds that accompany someone in deep, deep sleep!  In the morning we are going to visit the school where I taught last year...so I'm off to bed...6am comes rather early...

Donner...1996-2010

I still remember picking him up from the airport.  I was living in Winston Salem, NC in an apartment and decided on getting two cats.  After a bit of research I learned that Burmese cats are one of the most social and personable breeds so I contacted a lady in CA who sent me two whom I lovingly named Donner and Blitzen (1996-2007).  Getting involved with cats was a risky venture.  I am a loyal dog person of the Golden Retriever variety.  Cats would be a bit easier to take care of but the question persisted, "Would they actually care...about anything?" and for the past 14 years I have been learning the answer to that question.
Donner loved my furniture.  My recliner is scratched to death...and now I will treasure it's scratched exterior for years to come.  Donner loved chicken soup, laying on Abby (my Golden), and purring endlessly.  He had a motor that wouldn't quit.  On a cold winter's night I often pleaded for his companionship which turned out to be a 50/50 proposition.  On a lucky night he would curl his warm body right next to mine and purr us both to sleep.  He would always wait patiently each morning for me to finish in the shower and immediately after I pulled back the curtain he'd jump in and lick the tub as if manna had descended from heaven each morning for him to enjoy.  Donner liked riding in the car where he could roam around and explore.  He would eventually find his way to my shoulder or lap and casually glance out the window for a while before slipping into the back seat for yet another nap.  His ultimate favorite thing however was to climb in the dryer after a load had just finished.  Most times I would leave a towel or two inside and he'd stay there for hours...even in the summer.  Since living at Nashotah he'd wait for me to return from the basement with a basket full of warm laundry and climb right it before I had the chance to fold anything.
Today...however...was the day that every lover of animals comes to dread.  He'd not been eating recently and the vet suspected some kind of tumor.  I hesitated a long time before making the appointment unwilling to let go of a prize so dear. Last night as I read on the couch he curled up on my shoulder and I stayed there the entire night knowing that this might be our last night together.  After the vet examined him this morning and showed me the X-rays I knew...but this time the knowing didn't make it any easier.  As he lay nestled securly in my arms I whispered over and over again just what a wonderful gift God had given me in this life He had created.  My last words to him were..."Go find Blitzen...go find Blitzen..."  and in my mind that is exactly where he is.
Some say that there's a rainbow bridge somewhere and that when we die and leave this life we'll cross over to find those animal friends we've spent our earthly years loving.  I pray it to be so.  All I know for sure is that God created Donner to provide for me a companion that I will never forget and always treasure.  It makes me love God all the more...So goodbye dear friend and know that when I reach those golden shores and see Jesus and all my human friends I'll come looking for you...you can count on it...

A Wonderful Post...that I didn't write...

The Internet Monk is a blog I've read for several years.  Michael Spencer is a gifted communicator and insightful thinker.  Recently he learned that he has cancer and at this point his diagnosis is unclear.  He published a post last year about a friend in a similar circumstances that I found inspiring and uplifting...


The news story is strange and tragic. Three college softball players go for a night time drive in the country. On an unfamiliar road, they take a wrong turn and drive into a pond….and drown.
There was a day before. A day with no thought of drowning. A day with family and friends. Perhaps with no thought of eternity, God or heaven. There was a day when every assumption was that tomorrow would be like today.
(Note: My friend Gary passed on after I wrote this piece.) My friend Gary has been the night dean at our school for more than 20 years. His wife has been in poor health, but he has been a workhorse of health. He’s walked miles every day, eaten a vegetarian diet and always kept the rest of us lifted up with his smile and constant focus on the joy he took in his salvation.
Two weeks ago, the doctor turned to him and said leukemia. Today he stands on the crumbling edge of this earthly shadow, looking at the next world, fighting for his life with all that medicine and prayer can offer. Our prayers for him as a school community have been continuous, because we never thought there would be such a day.
There was a day before he heard “leukemia.” A day of work, chores, bills, hopes of seeing a grandchild, prayers for students, love for Suzi. Not a thought that the journey of life contained such a surprising turn for him.
And on that day, Gary was full of faith, full of a servant’s heart, ready for many more days or ready for this to be last one before whatever was around the corner.
We all live the days before. We are living them now.
There was a day before 9-11.
There was a day before your child told you she was pregnant.
There was a day before your wife said she’d had enough.
There was a day before your employer said “lay offs.”
We are living our days before. We are living them now.
Some of us are doing, for the last time, what we think we will be doing twenty years from now.
Some of us are on the verge of a much shorter life, or a very different life, or a life turned upside down.
Some of us are preaching our last sermon, making love for the last time, saying “I love you” to our children for the last time in our own home. Some of us are spending our last day without the knowledge of eternal judgment and the reality of God. We are promising tomorrow will be different and tomorrow is not going to give us the chance, because God has a different tomorrow entirely on our schedule. We just don’t know it today.
Who am I on this day before I am compelled to be someone else? What am I living for? How am I living out the deepest expression of who I am and what I believe?
My life is an accumulation of days lived out of what I believe is true every day.
Gary lived every day with the story of Jesus nearby and the joy of the Lord a ready word to share.
When the day came that “leukemia” was the word he had to hear, he was already living a day resting in the victory of Jesus. That word, above all earthly powers, cannot be taken away. It speaks louder and more certainly the more the surprising words of providence and tragedy shout their unexpected turns into our ears.
Live each day as the day that all of the Gospel is true. Live this day and be glad in it. Live this day as the day of laying down sin and taking up the glad and good forgiveness of Jesus. Live this day determined to be useful and joyful in Jesus. Live this day in a way that, should all things change tomorrow, you will know that the Lord is your God and this is the day to be satisfied in him.

It's been some time...

It's been awhile since finals, writing papers, and sleepless nights and I can't say I'm disappointed.  In the frigid temperatures of Wisconsin I drove two hours south to Chicago with Abby and Donner in tow.  We spent two wonderful weeks visiting friends whom I love and am loved by.  Long ago they were merely acquaintances that I met through their son Randy, but now I love them like family.  Whenever we're together there's much laughter, eating, and playing board games!  I played more board games on Christmas day then in all of the past 5 years combined.  I received a simple email today that said I was missed already (it's been 3 days) and I was so thankful.  It's wonderful to love and be loved...so Randy, Andy, Don, Deb, Dan, Connie, Mike, Scott, Emily, Kyle, and Kelley...thank you for the laughter and the joy of being together...what a priceless and wonderful gift!
Today was a day of wonderful gifts in other ways.  When I got back to campus I checked my mailbox to discover lots of Christmas cards and special greetings.  A teacher that I worked with sent $500 and my wonderful fellowship at Christ Church sent a check for nearly $3000.00!  Then checking my voicemail my pastor called to say that the church will pay for my airline ticket to fly down to North Carolina for a conference later this month!  The Lord is so faithful to display his love in times of great weakness and doubt.  Thank you God...for blessing me with so many wonderful people...that demonstrate the love of Jesus so clearly.

A Visit with St. Nicholas...

Tonights chapel service was a celebration of Advent.  As we look forward to the remembrance of Christ's birth, we inwardly reflect on the greatest gift mankind has ever been given.  We also remember St. Nicolas and his wonderfully giving heart.  Each year he comes bearing gifts to children young and not so old...but I sat on his lap anyway! He mentioned something about free tuition and a new snow shovel...but I have to be good...I won't get my hopes up to high then.
Nashotah is not like any other seminary.  I've been overwhelmed recently with all the papers to write, books to read, and exams to take.  Then there's the house payments to make, tuition to pay, and the dog to feed.  I just had to take out a student loan...$20,000...and that freaked me out.  I'm not one to live outside my means and have been asking a lot of questions about what this all means.  Does God want me to trust him with debt or is it his way of letting me know it's time to go?  Am I trusting in my own strength and not trusting God?  Am I being financially irresponsible?  The great thing about this place is that those you live with, worship with, and study with....they know.  Today Bryan stopped me after lunch and as we walked back to our apartments he cared enough to ask how I was doing...and then to listen...and I knew he cared...and that meant so much.  Today I also had to meet with a professor about a paper I recently turned in.  In all of my educational career I've never had a teacher spend over an hour with me explaining and discussing something I'd written and who also took the time to ask about how I was doing.  Twice in one day Jesus presented himself through two different Christian brothers that shared the love and concern of a family who cares and is concerned...and that...is priceless...

What the....

6:45 am...Abby and I catch a glimpse of the world that now is.  We look down a street that was once colored green now resembles some kind of walk-in freezer gone mad.  I was have expecting the white witch from Narnia to come riding by in her carriage and offer me some of those delicious British pastry...but alas...she never showed...

As for Abby, who hasn't seen this much white snow...ever, ran about exploring.  She appeared to be searching for grass, but never found any.  When it came time for her to relieve her body of all things unnecessary, she searched endlessly for any area where her bum didn't touch snow.  All attempts proved futile.

1:00 pm  The maintence crew here is brutal.  It was either skip class, skip duties in the refectory, or move my car.  My choice left me with an hour of shoveling, seminarians driving by very slowly, and one unwelcomed comment resembling a school yard chant that went something like, "That's what you get for not moving your car."  I wasn't amused.  I've learned my lesson however.  Next time...I ditch class...

Just for Laughs...

My neighbors, Nathaniel and Sarah, introduced me to these videos on Youtube.  Perhaps it's due to all the reading and heavy thinking but I think it's the candide camera type humor that is so funny.  Catching people in such amusing ways gets a chuckle every time.  Even today before Church History everyone gathered around my computer...even Dr. Peay...and had a good laugh together.  Hope you do too...

Zephaniah 3:17

The snow began to fall sometime yesterday and tonight we are to receive our first major artic blast of what the weather people like to refer as a potential disaster.  We are not to drive or leave our homes after dark...only if necessary...like you need eggs, break, or milk.  Otherwise Abby, Donner, and I are staying put.
It's been a busy week.  It's near the end of the semester and overwhelmed is not the right word.  Perhaps immobilized would be more appropriate.  On Sunday night I went to bed at 6am and got up at 7am...and still have pages to go before I sleep...
Dagnall, a senior this year, stopped me after lunch.  He asked how things were going and I told him...and he listened and reminded me of the words from Zephaniah 3:17 of how God is mighty to save.  As we talked, with the newly created snow encircling us, it was one of those moments when it was as if Jesus descended and listened and talked to you...face to face...one on one.  No agenda, no easy answers, no quick fixes.  Instead he had all the time in the world...to listen...and care.  It reminded me of just how much God needs us to be Jesus to other people...and how mighty he is to move our mountains...Jesus thank you for sending a rep my way and give me the power from you to actually believe that you are ever so mighty and willing to save...and Dagnall...thanks for being Jesus... to me...

Trifecta

Today was the first day back to school after being in Chicago for Thanksgiving.  Moses, Abby, Donner and I headed to the Windy City last Tuesday and spent several days eating and visiting with a wonderful family I've known for years.  As soon as chapel was over this morning Meredyth asked if I'd been to the post office yet.  "You've got a pile of boxes waiting for you...I've had my eye on them for days!"  It's such a blessing just to get the boxes...you don't even have to put anything in them at all, but how special and supported it makes me feel to know that others are thinking of me and praying for me.  It's like legal hormone shots that really pump you up!  I've yet to open them but I will...and to those who had a hand in this...God bless you...each and every one.  With lots to do before the end of the term I'm honored by your thoughtfulness and faithful support.  Love....rusty

A Painful Obiturary

Today at church this true obituary was shared about a women from southern California who died last year.  There is much to consider when reading such a statement of one's life.  For good or bad we leave a legacy behind of our deeds which can linger for future generations to consider...and for God to judge.  May I live accordingly...and Dolores...thanks for the reminder...


Dolores Aguilar, born in 1929 in New Mexico, left us on August 7, 2008. She will be met in the afterlife by her husband, Raymond, her son, Paul Jr., and daughter, Ruby.


She is survived by her daughters Marietta, Mitzi, Stella, Beatrice, Virginia and Ramona, and son Billy; grandchildren, Donnelle, Joe, Mitzie, Maria, Mario, Marty, Tynette, Tania, Leta, Alexandria, Tommy, Billy, Mathew, Raymond, Kenny, Javier, Lisa, Ashlie and Michael; great-grandchildren, Brendan, Joseph, Karissa, Jacob, Delaney, Shawn, Cienna, Bailey, Christian, Andre Jr., Andrea, Keith, Saeed, Nujaymah, Salma, Merissa, Emily, Jayci, Isabella, Samantha and Emily. I apologize if I missed anyone.


Dolores had no hobbies, made no contribution to society and rarely shared a kind word or deed in her life. I speak for the majority of her family when I say her presence will not be missed by many, very few tears will be shed and there will be no lamenting over her passing.


Her family will remember Dolores and amongst ourselves we will remember her in our own way, which were mostly sad and troubling times throughout the years. We may have some fond memories of her and perhaps we will think of those times too. But I truly believe at the end of the day ALL of us will really only miss what we never had, a good and kind mother, grandmother and great-grandmother. I hope she is finally at peace with herself. As for the rest of us left behind, I hope this is the beginning of a time of healing and learning to be a family again.


There will be no service, no prayers and no closure for the family she spent a lifetime tearing apart. We cannot come together in the end to see to it that her grandchildren and great-grandchildren can say their goodbyes. So I say here for all of us, GOOD BYE, MOM.

Finding time...

    I know we each get the same amount of time allotted to us daily...but my clock must be losing time or something.  No matter how hard I try to work on those papers with December due dates, I find my head buried in some book in darkness and drool.  As I reorient myself I stagger to bed leaving a trail of clothes to pick up on my way to the shower in the morning.  I suppose many have passed this way before ( I know I have) and many will in the days ahead.  Yet the present finds me pleading for more time but to no avail.  Thanksgiving soon come.

Finally Found...

     After a long day of mental activity it's a blessing to be finally found at home where peace and quite reign.  Besides classes and two chapel services I had the time to fit in a few laughs and Greek vocab review with Moses, lunch with Andrew, a library visit with Jake, a mentoring session with Father Westberg, and a bible study with a small group in Milwaukee.  10:30 pm finds me a bit exhausted and confused after finishing a chapter in Greek about participles.  At times it feels hopeless.   As I glimpse the paper deadlines approaching the tidal wave of activity looms with fear and uncertainty.  Friends and fellow seminarians tell me that it will all get finished somehow but I'm lacking some faith... and besides my bed is tempting me.  I'll think I'll try and push through one more review of Colossians 3 and scan my Greek vocabulary words  before heading to bed to enjoy my heated mattress pad one more night.

Packages and Garbage

You would think that one would get used to taking out the garbage.  With all these years of practice it should come easy by now.  But some lessons just take time and this one just caught me by surprise.  If I'd known in my twenties that I'd be still cleaning dishes and hauling out garbage in my fifties...I would have killed myself....not really!    It's not the life I'd envisioned for myself with great financial wealth and security and retirement just around the corner.  God has this way of putting people in situations that seem incredibly challenging with no hope of success and we get to the place where we wonder if we really can...and then we find freedom...the freedom in actually realizing that I can't...but He can. Like I said...some lessons just take longer to learn.

PS  ...and as if you didn't know...I have wonderful friends who are quickly becoming the envy of all who visit the post office...who support and encourage me and lift me up on angels wings and show God's love to me in such tangible and thoughtful ways...God bless you Ty and Amanda...and I'm passing out your address to all my friends...you're loved and prayed for....

Frig Quotes

These days I'm finding that my frig has more things on the outside of it than anywhere else.  Don't get me wrong...there are a few things inside but eating in the Refectory cuts down on the need to cook for myself.  With all the stuff I magnetize to it (to remind me of all the stuff I need to remember) I rarely look at it.  Perhaps it's just for the atmosphere. The feeling you get when you convince yourself think that you're actually organized can be quite euphoric.  I am not quite sure why, but today I actually glanced above the photo and read a quotation from Thomas Merton that a friend sent me years ago.  It reads:

          You do not need to know precisely what is
          happening or exactly where it is all going.


          What you need is to recognize the challenges and
          opportunities offered by the present moment and
          to embrace them with courage, faith, and hope.


Enough said.

Friday Night Lights on Saturday

Meredyth, a fellow seminarian, her sister, Andrew, Moses, and I went to support her nephew Logan on his way to victory tonight.  His team won 35-0 and now are on their way to the state championship game in Madison on Friday.  From the sound of things we'll be leaving Friday after classes and join lots of others in rooting on Marquette to another victory.  It feels a bit funny going to high school games again.  In some ways its hard to image that it's been so long since my days in high school, but in reality little has changed.  The hot dogs still taste the same while the couples still glue themselves to each other under the bleachers.  The marching bands continue to play but with different tunes.  If I remember correctly we were playing the theme from Shaft  and tonight Austin Power's appears to have taken over the trombone and flute sections.  All in all the trip down memory lane helped me to leave my books behind at least for a few hours.  I did take my Greek cards with me though.  As the winning team took to the field I cried, "I do!" That's the pronunciation of the Greek word for "Behold."  At least we learned one new word tonight.  They say the weathers wonderful with highs in the low 50's and no snow.  I'll take their word for it.

It's Halloween...

     Tonight all the kids of community stopped by for some candy with and showed off their costumes.  I hurried home to give out candy from 5:30 - 6:30, but have spent most of the day in the library.  Last night I left at about 1:30am and wasn't even the last one to head home...hope Shane got some sleep.  It seems like we have have two papers due on Tuesday...and so little time...I've pretty much finished the first one on the Decius Persecution and now am a third of the way done with paper two on the Didache.  Luckily tonight we turn the clocks back one hour so perhaps I'll get a bit more sleep.  The sheriff (it's a seminary student job, not a real one who writes tickets for money)just came by to lock up and turn off the lights so it's just me and my computer in the bottom of the library surounded by all these books and creaky sounds in the ceiling...on Halloween night...but...I'm...not...afraid...

Proverbs 14:20

      I remember telling some good friends before I left for seminary to pray for me in November.  "By then," I said, " I'll be thinking about all that I've left behind and wondering just what I'd done."  It seems I'm right on schedule.  I've been a bit on the mellow side these past few days not feeling like talking much.  When I lived alone I had plenty of time to be by myself and catch some alone time.  In community I'm finding it different...when sitting alone someone walks by and rubs your back or plops down beside you, not saying anything, just letting you know they care. Folks ask how you're doing and wonder if everythings okay.  After class friends take you with them to shop for Halloween candy and then to Dairy Queen for a pumpkin pie blizzard, and you find your load getting just a bit lighter.  Then you come home to discover that someone you've missed talking with has missed you too and has sent some Chai tea to remind you of your long conversations at Simply Yummy in Winston Salem...and then I remember how blessed I am once again to be surrounded...near and far...by my friends...whom I've never quite realized their value...until now...
    You will never know how much God has used you to encourage me, motivate me, and inspire me in this journey that I'm on...but I gotta run...some friends have invited me for dinner...

That was then...this is now...

Abby and I usually find some time each day to visit the graveyard.  Across the street from my apartment we make our way through the woods and come out amidst the markers that date back to the mid 1800's.  It's a quiet place (can you imagine) where solace can be found on days when you could really use some.  The picture above was taken sometime in August after we'd arrived and the one below just a few days ago.  It's been rather amazing to see some of the external differences that have taken place since that time.  Which lead me to ask myself, "What about internal changes?"
That's always a bit more difficult to consider but I know I'm sensing some.  The reality is is that no matter where you take yourself you always bring yourself along.  There was this initial period of excitement after unpacking.  So many new and different things to experience.  Every time you get in your car there's no more auto-pilot.  You have to get directions for everything even if it's only 5 minutes away. Everyday's an adventure.   After the honeymoon stage you find yourself asking lots of questions.  How will I be able to get all this work completed?  Why don't I seem to have enough time to get papers written?  Where did I put my notebook?  How am I going to pay for all this without a job?  What does one ousia and three hypostases really mean and why should I actually care?  Can I go to bed yet?  Did I really give up my job for this?
At 50, I thought I was done asking this sort of stuff.  I've been there several times already.  Must I pass through this same deep, dark, forest yet again?  I can't say I pass each test with flying colors and there are days when I feel like I'm just treading water...and not very well at that.  But for some reason God has brought me back to this place, to teach me things I've yet to learn, or perhaps, just forgotten.  God give me the grace to accept my trials that I might grow to lean upon you more.
I think it's about time for another walk in the graveyard...C'mon Abby!

Broken things...

    It's not everyday that someone you know gets there very own ISBN!  And the lucky number is... 1-90655-734 which belongs to Now My Eye Sees You by Dr. Timothy Johnson.  For the past twelve years he has worked on getting this book published and today the Nashotah House celebrated with him this wonderful achievement.  Dr. Johnson teaches Hebrew and Old Testament and at the moment I have him for a class in Biblical Interpretation.  He's the kind of teacher who when you ask him a question in class always promptly responds with, "That's a great question."  and always has time to spend with students.
So when I saw him tonight at our Community dinner I asked him where all his books were.  Being the humble guy that he is told me he'd left some copies in the his office to which I replied,
"Your kidding right?"  He wasn't.  I then told him that I would ride back to his office and grab the copies and return and with some reluctance he removed his office key from his ring and told me how to turn the key.

     As I was heading out the door I heard him mention to, "Make sure you turn it to the right.  It's a little tricky sometimes." When I got to his office door the key slid in with little problem and I turned it to the right and initially nothing happened. So I turned it to the left...still nothing.  So I turned it to the right again and before I could resist the force of gravity the damage had been completed.  I took out the key minus the long extended part and then prayed to God for an open window.  Jumping on my back I headed back to Refectory and ran into Patrick.  If you're ever in trouble and you need some help, by all means run into Patrick.  He is one of the kindest souls and immediately was on the phone to Jeff who works in maintenance.  No one answered.  By the time we made it back to the Refectory I tapped Dr. Johnson on the shoulder and explained what had happened.  He, as well as several others, seemed to find some humor in the situation and I do too, but at the moment I was in somewhat of a panic mode.  Later at dinner we had some good laughs and enjoyed the turkey, mash potatoes, and stuffing just fine.  It is a great blessing to live in a community where the men who teach you can be the same people who you find eating with, laughing with, and being encouraged by.  And after a day like yesterday, there is no place I'd rather be.
ps and as of this writing Dr. Johnson remains locked out of his office...pray for him...and me...

To write or not to write...

Blogs are the modern day diary.  In them we express thoughts, feelings, and daily dribble to keep a record of our journeys.  This one was started with the hope of having something to remember my days through seminary with.  The temptation is not to go too deep or completely express what's going on for fear that someone might read and misinterpret your intent or possibly make some judgments about your emotions and/or feelings.  I've never actually had others read my journals before and there are some great risks in that.  So at this point in time I'm not feeling very risky with my emotions a bit out of wack after an exhausting day that has miles to go before I sleep.  Let's just say, for memories sake, that this day proved to be disheartening in a way I've not felt since my arrival.  A day where dark clouds seemed to appear around every corner and no matter how hard I tried to push them away they followed me...perhaps it was due to a rather poor showing after hours of study on a Greek Mid-term, or the long work hours today in the Refectory, or riding to chapel in the rain only to discover they'd move the service time back an half hour...I know I'll survive...and it's just one day...and yet when days like this surface they can suck the life right out of you...wish me well...I've got to get back on my bike and ride in the rain to chapel again...and perhaps...just perhaps...God will meet me there.